The daycare transition

Somehow, 51 weeks have passed since I left work to get ready for Tabetha's birth.  Tomorrow Tabby will be 11 months old, and on Monday I go back to work.  So this week, Tabby and I are transitioning into daycare.  I say that "we" are doing it because frankly, it's as hard for me as it is for her.

Monday
Tabetha and I got up bright and early, packed up diapers and sweaters and whatnot and headed off to daycare!  I mostly tried to stay a bit in the background and let Tabetha learn to trust the caregivers.  One of them even got her down for her nap, which was pretty cool!  I was very glad that the other kid starting this week is close to her age - the rest of the babies are a few months to a year older and all walking, talking, busy little people.  Tabby ate all sorts of new foods, played with new toys, and came home so tired she had a loooong afternoon nap!

Tuesday
Otherwise known as today!  Tabetha slept fairly poorly last night.  I think it might've partly been because of the nap, but it was also because of the weird day she had.  She settled in at daycare though, and when it was time for her nap I went home and gave the kitchen a solid cleaning - I didn't want to listen to her crying for mama again, monday was hard enough!  When I came back an hour later it was a bit funny.  I watched her coming down the hall and she was fine - until she saw me and burst into tears!  we stayed til afternoon nap time and then I took her home.

Wednesday
The plan for tomorrow is that she will be at daycare the WHOLE day! I will not.  I have some things I need to do tomorrow to get ready to go back to work on monday.  We're also going to start involving daddy more in the morning stuff, since I'll be leaving for work half an hour before he takes her to daycare starting monday.

Thursday
She'll be there the whole day, and for a little longer. and then...

Friday
will be our trial run!  Daddy will drop her off at the appointed time and barring emergencies, I'll pick her up at the end of the day.

Seeing all the older kids (the oldest is almost 2) has done two things.

Firstly, it's given me a reminder of how fast she will keep changing.  Within 3-6 months SHE will be where those kids are, and that's pretty mindblowing, and very cool.  I have no doubt that she will learn all sorts of tricks from them - good and bad - as she watches and observes what the big kids do.

Secondly, though, it has reminded me just how young she is.  Normally I see her in the context of babies her age or younger, and I focus more on all the things she's mastered, how clever she is, how wonderful. It really makes me feel much, much sadder about leaving her there, even though I am very happy with the care she will be receiving.

One of the other kids, about 18 months old, started last week.  Constantly throughout the day this kid asks about her parents.

"Mommy?  Daddy?" and each time, she is reassured that Mommy and Daddy are at work, and Mommy will come to get her later, and she seems to find that comforting.

I know that Tabby isn't really at a developmental age to articulate missing us, but that almost makes me feel worse about leaving her, in a funny kind of way.

It'll be better when I'm actually at work, I think.  I'll have stuff to do that I'm not accustomed to her being around for, and, thankfully, stuff I enjoy doing.  I say that we couldn't really afford for me to stay home, but we probably could if we made that our priority.  The fact is, though, going back to work isn't just about the money, it's about doing something I enjoy, feeling like I contribute, and setting some time and space aside where I'm not just "Tabetha's mommy."

Though I do still sort of kinda in a way wish I could just... pop her in a stasis bubble while I go to work, so that I could raise her evenings and weekends.   Sure, it would take a few extra years, but then I wouldn't have to deal with the fear that she won't be happy at daycare, and she won't have any way of telling me!